Our Baby Boy is With God

It started out as cramping and feeling like I had the flu these past two days. Then I began contracting. I prayed all the way to the ER, begging God to make it stop and give us more time. I begged him not to take my son.  The contractions stopped by the time we arrived. We spoke with the doctors and within a couple hours, I was to be released to go home. But I knew something wasn't right. Less than an hour later I began contracting much harder, with far less time in between contractions. In that moment the pain is so intense that you have no room in your mind to focus on anything other than making it through it. They brought me to a room, administered pain medication via IV, and told me they suspected an infection. I knew this was it. My boy was coming and he wasn't going to survive. I was lucid for parts of the labor and delivery and completely oblivious to others, but I felt him being birthed and I heard them quoting a dropping heart rate. Little Landon was born at about 12:30am, heart still strong, and went home to be with God minutes later. He was our little fighter. He and I sure tried as hard as we could....but God had a different plan. Maybe we will understand it one day; I suspect not. I'm not sure where one even begins to pick up the pieces from here. All I know is that, today, we take the first step to move through it together....and continue to trust God. We are grateful for the outpouring of prayer and support. Thank you.

10 Days Until Admission

We had quite a scare last night. I was cramping for about two and a half hours before I called the nurse. I knew it was my body starting labor, before she told me. I began praying. See the past few days I've grown weary and have even said "I just wish this was over." Immediately I apologized to God for those words. I don't want it to be over. That's just doubt and weakness. I want to make it 10 more days to get into the hospital and then 4 more weeks so he has a strong chance at survival. If the power of life and death is in the tongue, we have to be careful what we say out loud. Especially someone like me who has a strong power of intention. Most things I speak about wanting, come to pass. So from here on out, even in my weariness, I will not speak of anything resembling giving up. That was simply too scary. Anyway, the nurse said ibuprofen has been shown successful in stopping labor and instructed me to take 600mg every 6 hours for 24-48 hours, as needed. I also have to be sure to check my temperature before doses because ibuprofen can mask infection symptoms. I am OK to stay at home unless the cramps get unbearable, I spike a temperature, or I begin spotting. Within about an hour of taking the ibuprofen, the cramping died way down. As of this morning, I don't have any. I need everyone's prayers to keep this labor away. I know very well that it is a persistent little process and it doesn't give up easily. We need it to stay away!

Thanking God for stopping last night and giving us another day to fight. Baby was kicking me quite a bit after it stopped. He's kicking me quite a bit as I type this. Poor guy must be wondering what's been going on in there. Stay strong mister. We have to keep you in there for a while longer.....

Often times, in my weariness, I struggle to find words to pray. I find worship songs help give me the words I don't have. This is my song today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo&feature=related

22 Weeks, 3 Days (11 Days Until Hospital Admission)

Yesterday's appointments didn't give us any new information, but they did add some color to previous information. There was a small amount of fluid, though not enough to be considered significant. I found out that while being admitted at 24 weeks is my choice, it's really the only way. Once I go in, the doctors are then in a position to do everything in their power to save him, should he deliver (resuscitation, intubation, medicine, etc). At home, they can't monitor either of us to know what's coming and adequately prepare to help us. There, they are constantly checking his vitals, my temp, ensuring I'm not infected, etc. It makes more sense for me to be there. I can't go until 24, however, because there is nothing they can do until then. Sometimes, they can help babies born at 23 weeks, but it's more like a medical experiment than anything else. This is why 24 weeks is considered legal viability.

Talking to the neonatal doctor was the most encouraging. He is the one who takes care of the babies in the NICU. He has seen enough success stories, that he is enthusiastic about the chances. Though I struggle to share statistics, because a. God can do anything and b. there are so many factors that make statistics a tricky thing to rely on, I will share some general ones. All things considered and not accounting for fluid, no fluid, time of rupture, etc.....babies born at 24 weeks have about a 50/50 chance of survival. By 28 weeks, the chances are up in the low 90s. He says he will be encouraged to see me make it to 28 weeks. He doubts I'll make it much further, just based on his experience of how long women last once they rupture. He also said there's no way to predict outcome based on situation. He said he's seen a woman ruptuer at 18 weeks, with no fluid birth a baby with minor issues and he's seen a woman rupture at 22 weeks with fluid and it's the sickest baby he's seen. There's no pattern to this. He said that some of the sickest babies he's ever cared for are healthy and thriving now. He also says there's absolutely no way to predict how the baby's lungs are developing, short of taking a biopsy of the tissue. Even once the baby is born, it's their best guess about how much of the challenges are related to lack of lung development and how much are related to the fact that he was born premature. As you can imagine, being born that early presents it's own set of challenges. He did say that survival is our biggest concern. Life long issues related to breathing aren't typical, as the body's development catches up quickly in early years. Might Landon have trouble running marathons? Yes. Should he be able to play football and basketball with the best of them? Yes.  We got to tour the NICU and see where they incubate the premature babies and how they care for them. That's a tough road. Landon would probably be in the NICU until my due date, so if he comes at 28 weeks, he'll be there for 12. Poor pumpkin. But we'll take it!

Heading to See the Doctors

We are on our way to appointments with the perinatologist, who takes care of me, and the neonatologist, who will take care of the baby. Praying for encouraging news. I'll report back later.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.   James 1:2

Day 6

We made it another day! Baby boy is far less active today. I think he stays awake for 24 hour periods and then sleeps for 24 hour periods. It seems I haven't been leaking as much fluid, which could be a good thing, except that I worry he may not be functioning as well as he should be. Then I worry about the fact that he could end up laying on the cord. There's an increased risk of that with no fluid present. Then I realize I could spend my whole day worrying, but that won't do him any good, so let's not. Let's put our trust in God.

I think the reality of being admitted to the hospital at 24 weeks hit me yesterday. I was looking at admission as a good thing, because it means I made it to 24 weeks, but now I'm thinking about what that really means. No big screen TV, no Truth by my side all day, icky hospital food. The goal is to get me to 32 weeks, so that would be 8 weeks in a hospital bed. Yikes! I'm beginning to wonder if I have to be admitted at 24 weeks or if I have the choice to stay home longer. Dad says not to worry about all that- take it one week at a time. He's right.....but I have a lot of time on my hands to think about all of this.

I think my brain is already starting to slow down a bit. I was talking to Darcy today about throwing someone under the table. I realized quite a few seconds later that I meant to say "bus." Oy! As Jason says- I'm used to kicking butt and taking names and now I've been relegated to laying on the couch, which is leading to quite the brain mushery. I need some logic puzzles and brain teasers!

You can tell by today's tone that I'm not feeling quite as encouraged as prior days. I'm not giving up, though. I know God will help me get back to that place. For now, I'm rejoicing in the fact that I've made it almost a full week with no labor or infection. That is a miracle in itself. Looking forward to my doctor appointment on Friday and hoping for some miraculous news. Also looking forward to having some visitors over the next few days, to help break up the monotony.

Day 5

Landon woke me up this morning doing martial arts in my belly. Apparently he was ready to eat. My little fighter. When he's getting really serious about it, J and I can actually watch my stomach and see the movements. This isn't typical at 21 weeks, but without fluid around him, he's right up against my uterus, which is what makes this possible. I like that we get such a joyful benefit out of such a tragic reality. As I laid in bed on my side, I placed my hand on my stomach and thanked God for this miracle- another day labor and infection free, and my boy seems to be as strong as ever. And they told me he couldn't move much without the fluid in there. Apparently they didn't realize this was MY son they were talking about. I'm quite sure he heard them and said "oh yeah? we'll see about that!"

My appetite has been amazing over the past few days. I like to think it's because God is packing the pounds on my son- getting him developed fast, so he's ready when he comes. God does cool things like that. Whatever the reason, I'm eating constantly, which seems like a good thing considering eating has been a struggle throughout my pregnancy.

Lying down is getting harder. I miss walking. I miss going outside. My back is starting to hurt. There's only so much comfort in these limited positions. It's amazing what we will do for our children, that we would never do for ourselves. My endurance is for my son. I remain still for him. Remain still and believe God for our huge miracle. Huge for us, but nothing for Him. I will continue to pray without ceasing. I will rejoice in the things I cannot control...and I will rejoice in the biggest thing I can control- fighting like my son does every single day!

Prayer for a Friend

A friend of a friend is 36 weeks along. Her baby has a heart defect and doctors say she will need surgery at 2 months old. Mom was admitted today because fluid was found in baby's heart and her oxygen was low. If the situation worsens, she will be forced to give birth via emergency c-section. Praying for God to touch baby's heart, heal the defect, and give mom and family a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Accepting the Fact That I am Officially "on Leave"

Another day down! 21 weeks and 5 days today. 16 days until admission. I awoke to him kicking and praised God for that small miracle. Along with that are the two small miracles of remaining pregnant with no infection. Still believing God for the big one! Spoke with my sister last night about how our feeble minds picture what God will do, but that He is so much bigger than we can even conceive, so He'll probably do a miracle that is much greater and blows our mind entirely! Love that I have a family who walks so closely with God. They have ministered to me so much already. 

Today is my first day on leave from work. I already miss my team and pieces of my identity. I already feel a mixture of stress, guilt, anxiety, urgency to delegate all of my important projects......I know, I know. But this is what I do! I have poured my all into this work for 9 years. I didn't even know how leave worked. I found out they will remove my access, once all of the paperwork goes through. Nooooooo! I will definitely need to pray for God to help me through this part of the process. Trying to convince myself that being forced to do nothing is a blessing. I'll need some time to work on that thought. 

Happy Valentine's Day all. Jason waiting on me hand and foot certainly isn't the most romantic way for us to spend the day, but he's here by my side. Again thanking God for a good man who loves me and is in partnership with me through this process. 

Surrendering My Thoughts and Feelings to God

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6

Day 3

It's day 3 since the rupture. I didn't feel him as much yesterday, which worried me, but today he is as active as ever! I seem to be leaking far more fluid today than yesterday, which is encouraging because it means he's producing it, yet discouraging because it means the rupture hasn't been healed yet.

We're still seeing an outpouring of support through prayer and visitors. I love that so many people are in agreement as we pray for this miracle. I also love having my closest friends around to bring me love and help me through each tough day on the couch. All I can get up for is potty and shower. If you know me, you know that's some discipline (and you probably don't believe I'm actually doing it)! Psalm 46:10 has always been a favorite verse of mine, because of it's paradoxical simplicity and profoundness, but it has never resonated so much as it does today. "Be still and know that I am God."

We're 17 days away from admission to the hospital. No infection or labor thus far. All praise to God. Please keep us free of those two things and either heal the rupture or develop my boy in the absence of fluid. I know I serve a God who can. Begging You to demonstrate Your miraculous Power in my son.